So it's been awhile since I've entered anything in here, and I didn't want to make it public because then I'd probably be harrased for thinking the way that I do.
Right now I'm really baffled with myself. Sometimes I believe I'm the absolute worst girlfriend, and at other times I admire myself for being so strong after having to go through everything I did. I mean, it sucks to have someone tell you that you have insecurities. I can't blame myself for having them; I've been through physical abuse by various partners, cheated on 6 times, as well as my own self destruction.
It's beyond hard to get over that shit and just try and act like nothing happened; even when you know that person will not become what they were to you. Early on in my relationship with him (i won't disclose names),he told me to be open with everything, something I never did, and now it's like he thinks I do this for kicks.
I feel so ridiculous right now, even bothering to get this off of my chest. But as much as I try to open up to my firends, I just can't. He makes my world come to a complete halt, and I try so hard to be open with him when it comes to talking about my concerns/problems. I feel like a moron, because when they are stated, he takes them so negatively, when really, all I ask is to be reassured. Maybe it's too much for him, maybe I'm asking for too much. But I wish I was capable of making his world come to a stop.
Not only that, but I make everything to make sure we talk during the course of the day; I check my e-mails much too often, my MSN, my phone, or i even stay up at ridiculous hours if I haven't spoken to him... just so I can hear his voice before I end up going to bed. when he's here, everything is fine, but when he's gone, I feel like I'm just sloppy seconds after his partying, and bands.
I mean we talk when he has time, but lately I stay up so ridiculously late just os we remain to have a good communication while we're appart. Sometimes I wonder if it would be the same if I were to just live my life and do the things i do, and go online when I want to, or go to bed and just let my phone ring and get my rest.
I don't have bands to take care of, nor do I party. I guess I have a different mentality on things... and the more I intake, the more it scares me, I like the occasional party, but i mean, every weekend, even on weekdays, I just can't... i fucking can't, I'm going for my second degree and I just can't untake this... I'm scared to move to Winnipeg.. so fucking scared...
I still want to remain the person that I am now, I enjoy my time alone, I enjoy not going out and getting shitfaced all the time, and to have his friends and himself just tell me that I'm going to become this and that I have to see this, see that... i just.. can't...
It's already one thing to leave here, and leave my whole live here, seriously, it is my life, I've lived here ever since I was born, and i'll be starting on a new slate, but I still want to be the person I am.
I want to be with him and not have to be in a lifestyle I don't want to be in, I want to have my time with him, not just wake and sleep with him...
I'm just.. so fucking scared, and at this point I'm so tempted to just turn back to bad habits to get over this.
i'm tempted to just shut the fuck up and not tell him my problems and act like everything is perfectly okay, but that may lead to a very unexpected breakup...and I don't wish that upon anyone not even him. I just loved it when he took all the time in the world to talk to me and just be there, I have no diea why it all changed after he met me and he HATES it when I say this... but it's like "you have me now, so you just stopped" but it's so true and I feel like that, I know what it's like to feel like that, so I wouldn't just say it for kicks...
I love feeling like I'm everything to him, and right now, we talk when it's available, because I make myself available for him at all times. I seriously wonder why he just stopped, I mean, sure we met, I would think he'd want to talk to me even more, talk about the moments we had and memories, and he was really agaisnt going back on them because it made him upset to the extent of how he missed me... well. I love hearing it, and he made his efforts for a week, and now it's back to what it was.
I need stability in order to be stable myself.
I love how this seems like a big fucking rant, but it's not, I mean, i'm bawling my eyes out right now and I have the most hideous hardcore musci playing so I wouldn't be upset... but i guess this is just my emotions and how I feel, and I'm nearly 100% sure that they will be treated as accusations and like I'm just bitching about the most worthless things.. but it's not...
I'm tempted... I really am. I wish I could make him just stop and realize that he's not like he used to be.
I'm not trying to be selfish, but I can't go on to put MY world to a stop for him... I just want both of us to work on this.
I mean, I want to more there... now I'm unsure if he even wants me to move there... but, in order for it to work until then.. both sides of us need to work on this in order to maintain something true.

...starting now, I guess I'll just shut the fuck up about my problems, and not even bother telling him.
It may just be for the best, and then again, maybe stop being such a fucking slave to just having communication with him.
I mean, live my own life, stop looking at my e-mails, my phone and staying up until 6am.

...but there's one thing with this. IF I do this, I'm scared it may just become the fall of me and him, and realistically, I don't want this. but I want to know my worth to him. So here goes. Best of luck.

Alright;
So I've realized that I've most likely made an ass out of myself with him yesterday. Why may you ask? Because sometimes things are actually more simply than they appear but I over analyze at all given times.
I know that within the last 3 years I've dated a lot, probably more than I can receall. To the point where it was simply to have my fill, and to fill the void in my life.

And I've never really sat down to just get to know someone on a level without the strings of what lust and emotions can bring into a 'relationship'. So this is a completely new process for me, and then again - it just shows that he cares if he's willing to do this.

I never wasted away in my bed quite like i did this morning, I felt numb and sick from my own thoughts, from how i had over analyzed the situation and really - I think the outcome will be positive. I really dislike myself for being this way and just not thinking too highly of myself in the first place. Asking myself questions like "who the hell would even WANT to be with me in the first place?". But seriously... if someone's willing, why bother questioning it. Sometimes I really do sicken myself when it comes to the extent of how my thought processes excel into something completly unrelated.
But for now - it is crucial for me to break any emotional ties, which I'm thankful that nothing has developed. I care, but that's just natural emotion for someone you have respect for.

I'm looking forward to see what the outcome will be, even though there is no true timeline to define how things will succeed or just destroy themselves in the process.

But it's something I'm willing to try - I never have before, and it seems like something logical in order to avoid to loose something that could've been something worth remembering and living.

So I met someone who seemed to have more in common with me than anyone else. Just another person, someone I've known for 5 days over this senseless medium of technology.
The thing is, we got along really well. And, I would've liked to possibly persuade with this into a relationship, or date at the least, nothing too serious.
...but I guess we've agreed to be friends, and get to know eachother on a more personal level, to see if we're actually compatible to establish a relationship. I'm a little confused about it I guess.
it's not often I meet someone I get along with like i did with him - for a first meeting anyway.
I kinda feel pushed aside... when really I should look more positively from it and see that maybe he's trying to make a valid effort to make the best of it, and not just have a lustful 3 weeks relationship and fuck it all to hell?
I'm just not used to this concept, at all.
I'm used to taking everything I can ina day, and to live my life on a day to day basis, as if i were to live every day as my last, and I've been doing that for the past 3 years.
I don't want to be someone he gets tired of, so I guess this why I agreed to just shed all emotion and see what could possibly arise from a friendship.
In the back of my head, i'm scared that he'll appreciate the friendship so much, that he wouldn't want to establish anything but.
It's a scary fucking thing right now, it really is.
...Considering most people just grasp on something they just don't want to loose.
and ... I guess that's what i wanted to do, take that chance to seize what i can.
but I feel so confused right now.

Who knows..

Lately, I've become more and more frustrated to dating men in this city. I have dated an array of men, but truly - none of them really impressed me.
I seem to attract pricks, douches, and walls.
Pricks = guys who think too highly of themselves and become pricks because they normaly are intimidated by the fact that I'm a university student (a little odd)
Douches = guys who normaly stop all communication after the discovery of my tattoos or even the bands I listen to?
Walls = Guys whom I can't even carry a conversation with and hence, a total waste of time.

I started to think back of a year of my dating experiences, here's to sum it up - and why it might make sense to why I am so bitter towards men and relationships.

Nov. 2004. Had someone from Toronto come to visit me for the sole purpose to see where things would go, but it just was not the given time for me, because 2 weeks later...Went to Toronto to meet with someone, things were great - got home, told me he didn't want a relationship, was confused with life and wanted to work on a Disney Cruiseline and missed his interview. Brilliant.
Dated someone whom I met from NY, staying with family for a little while. I remember hitting on him for some plugs, so after a few days of skipping classes and hangouts - he goes back to NY and stays. Great.
After that I had the pleasure to meet a local boy, at a staff party when I was more than intoxicated on a quart of vodka. Things went well, broke up for the summer and then...well, he became an ass.
So during the summer i started to have an interest for individuals in bands, not a groupie, k thanks. Unfortunately, one was a nice guy - and then the other was just... he was a damn great guy, and after a month of being together, claimed that shit wouldn't work out, because they were going to be on tour forever, and tells me this 3 weeks before I go fly out to visit. Wonderful. and then, the guy I met while on a quart of vodka came back in town for the fall - oh yeah, just changed like you wouldn't imagine, tried to go out to the movies with him and make common grounds again, fuck that!
So then, I went back to school, and in one of my classes was a guy whom, I found was one of the most attractive fellows I have seen since first year, we hung out, co-workers assumed we were dating. Only to find out that a month later, he had a girlfriend.
So then I moved on to another approach where I would simply 'date'. I swear, dating is the fucking devil out of anything. This past month has been hell for me.
I met 2 guys in one afternoon at work, Mr. X thought way too highly of himself for his own good, only to find out that he fucked his best friend and tada, there goes the fundamentals of one's relationship. Plus my co-workers believed he was a very dirty gay male, so helpful of them. And Mr. Y was too busy talking about guns and his Childhood Education Program, hmm this seems like an interesting formula. Love for guns + teaching kids... love to see the outcome of that after teaching for 5 months.
Now, one of my classmates decided to put me on a 'blind' date - which was rather nice, with someone whom had the same musical taste as me, as was just as much as a music geek as I was. ... I'm not sure what the concept of a blind date is, but I surely wish I was blind at that point. 1 - shave when you meet someone, even if you're a student, ps; brush your teeth. As much as he liked the same music as me, he liked fucking Nascar and lived in the sticks - and he thinks we have potential? Fuck off.
Now, the last person whom I've met is someone who thinks women don't understand the concept of sports. "Oh but girl, I can explain football 2 u, its simple. Youll love it" 1 - just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I don't understand a sport such as football and for one to assume that, pisses me off.
And then going on to say "easy girly" whenever I tell him how it pisses me off to think highly of female gender stereotypes, makes me even more pissed.
I really do not feel like going out with him tomorrow, I'll just tell him i'm ill and not bother to really reschedule.

Damn men.

Another sleepless night.

I'm a third year student, trying to complete a double major in History and Multimedia.
Then I started thinking, what the hell am I going to do with these?
I'm clearly unmotivated, I barely attend classes, I just have no idea what my motiv is to go to school right now.
I'm debating on going into another program, like a BBA. But buisness? Me?

If life could be packed into a suitcase, without looking back and worrying about instabilities and insecurities, i'd probably have it packed by now and try to be with someone who could help me reach a point of happiness.

Pathetic no? Yeah, that's what it's like living in bloody Fredericton.
I have everything here, but someone to call my own.
Sometimes, I could careless. But then again, sometimes it bothers the shit out of me and makes me wonder if i'll eventually find someone to come home to.